tidal
by jaded-love-pure-hate
Summary: she is not rough around the edges anymore: she is jagged. {in which they make promises and don't live long enough to break them.}


technically, clove didn't kill cato. this is what she tells herself when the wave of victor's guilt (survivor's guilt, her therapist calls it, but clove knows she didn't survive) crashes over her and keeps her from breathing once more.

* * *

the day before the Games, they swear in blood, slice open each other's wrists and press them together.

"i wont kill you, and you won't kill me, because now our blood is mixed together. if you spill mine, or i spill yours, a part of us will die forever."

(this is called a blood pact. it's common in Two.)

* * *

ten minutes after clove lets a mutt maul Cato to death, the announcement is made in the wake of his cannon: there has been a rule change, two people can win, and all she can think about is the conversations they had after their pact.

"and if it comes down to the two of us?"

"snow can decide."

"and what about our district?"

"they'll just be happy to have a victor."

* * *

but one thing is for sure: she is not the victor they wanted.

she is not rough around the edges anymore: she is jagged. her and a boy buried in the ground are fused at the wrists and some days, she wonders if it was the other way around, if all her blood was his and only a fraction her own. it would explain why she feels so dead all the time.

* * *

she is sitting in the mentor's station with a bottle of liquor watching her tribute get stabbed to death.

she looks at finnick, sobs welling up in her throat, and says

"does it ever get better?"

probably louder than she meant to because the other mentors look at her strangely.

"it gets better, girly. it's just tidal. it comes in waves. some days are worse than others."

clove's tribute lives and she celebrates, but deep down, she knows that he'd be better off dead. they all would.

* * *

clove screams when snow decides to sell her, because cato was her first time and he was supposed to be her last. clove's mom is found dead. clove doesn't scream anymore.

* * *

after her first session, she hurts down to the core. finnick buys her a drink and slips a note in her pocket that says "Wanna start a rebellion?" and she smiles for the first time in two and a half years. it's just tidal.

* * *

there is a rebellion, yes. for as long as she feels guilty, the world will burn, and burn it does.

there is a rebellion, and clove wins, and no one wins because everything is ash.

* * *

clove moves in with annie cresta after the war, the only one who can match her crazy, because she promised finnick and she hasn't broken a promise since a promise broke her.

"don't blame me if you don't make it through the year, kid. i've always been a curse."

"me too." she replies, with those wild eyes, and clove understands why finnick was in love with her.

* * *

clove is terrified to touch the baby for the first six months of his life. one day annie is on the floor crying and the baby is screaming his little lungs out in the crib and clove picks him up and prays he won't fall apart, holds him until he's quiet, places him at annie's breast, breathes a sigh of relief and retreats to the ocean.

* * *

annie comes out to the shore with the baby in her arms and tells clove she's the only one who can calm him down.

"but i'll kill him. i kill everything i touch."

"you didn't kill cato."

"i didn't save him."

"but you didn't kill him!" annie exclaims, over the sound of the baby's cries and the crashing ocean, and clove spends the rest of the evening walking back and forth through the sand with the baby in her arms and praying.

* * *

she puts the baby in his crib, stares out at the water through the window, and lets out a breath she's been holding for years.

it's just tidal. it comes in waves. some days are worse than others.

* * *

 **Credits to linali lee for the line "One thing is clear. She is not the victor they wanted."** **I paraphrased it a little, but the substance is the same. Also, the fic that line came from is called "hoping at the gates, they'll tell me that you're mine" and it's really freaking good. Just saying.**

 **Anyways, I hope y'all enjoyed this strange little oneshot! Feel free to review. *heart***


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